Warning: If you came on this site to read about someone who has her life all together, then you've come to the wrong place. If you didn't know already, it's been about three months since I've posted, and since then, some things have changed. The end of summer has come and gone, and with it came Senior year. Now from what I've heard, Senior year is supposed to be the greatest time of your life: a chance to soak in the reality that the freedom of college is fast approaching while still having a blissful lack of adult responsibility. But with the pressure of applying for college, writing countless essays, and preparing for music auditions, the year is really taking a toll on my attitude. My confidence seems to have disappeared and I'm constantly doubting myself and everything around me. It's an endless cycle that goes like this: first I get really upset about something, then I get even more upset because I feel guilty for being upset when I don't have anything holding me back but myself, and then I feel better for a few days before it starts all over again. Anyone who knows me can testify that normally I'm in a pretty good mood, and that I try to see life in an upbeat perspective. But lately it's been tough, and for the past month or so my Senior experience has felt a lot less like High School Musical and more like one of Shakespeare's tragedies. I keep telling myself that this time will all be over soon, and that next year I'll be in college working to get a more clear direction in my life. But a year seems like a long time to stress, and I have to admit that I've had many days lately where I've struggled with buckling under the pressure. Today was one of those days.
It was all-in-all a pretty normal day, really even a good day, but when I least expected it those thoughts of the future resurfaced. I got upset, released ALL my frustrations (many of which didn't really even mean much to me), and let loose on my poor unsuspecting family about how "awful" I felt like life was going. I'm not going to go much into details, but the gist of it was that I can't decide what I want to major in, I don't know how I'm going to pick a career, I don't know if I'm good enough or if I'm ready for change, and I basically have know idea where my life is going. Now these seem like pretty normal things for a 17-year-old to be worried about, but in the moment (and in many moments lately) I felt like it was the end of the world. And now I'm sitting here on my bed "post-pity party" and I'm starting to clear up my thoughts. I'm realizing that everything will be ok, and that, despite what I may be thinking, I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. It doesn't seem like it right now (and I have no doubt the cycle will rear its ugly head again later), but I know deep down that no matter what happens, no matter what feelings of stress or worry or bitterness I may be working to overcome, my life will mean something and it will turn out better than I could ever imagine. Because I have a God who cares enough to let me go through the hard times so that I will learn to love and appreciate Him even more. I know that even though it hurts Him to see my doubts and to watch over me in my struggles, He does it anyway with outstretched arms always ready to cover me in His comfort whenever I ask Him.
Matthew 8:26 says, "Jesus replied, 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?' Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." Even though this story is about Jesus calming an actual storm, He also calms the storms of worry in our lives. Just like the disciples, I have been living like one "of little faith" lately in the way that I've been stressing about the things I can't control. But I need to drop "what if" and start saying "When God." Instead of saying "What if I can't decide on a career?", I should be saying, "I'll decide on my career when God leads me in the right direction." Because unlike me, God can see my future. He knows what choices I will have to make and what the outcome of my decisions will be. And best of all, He's on my side. He wants what's best for me, and for everyone, and if we're willing to ask then He will always give us loving comfort and sound advice. So if you're like me and you've been a little stressed out lately, slow down and remind yourself that God is always there to help you through the hard times. He loves you, and He understands that life isn't going to be easy. But if you live today for the One who can see your tomorrow, then one way or another things will start to work out. I'm writing this not just for you, but as a reminder to myself. The next time I'm having a "diva moment", I'm going to stop and ask God to rebuke the winds and waves of worry in my life. Because the waters may be rough, but I've got a God who can smooth over the roughest of seas with only a touch of His hand.
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