Hello My Name is Fearful

     Ahhh…… trust, my absolute least favorite word in the English language. No other word has such power over me. This crippling, agonizingly painful, five letter word encompasses my heart and drains me of all my energy. Oh, trust, you really get on my nerves. You see… I don’t naturally trust. I’m one of those people who, when someone in Walmart follows you down more than one aisle, takes off in a panic with that squeaky buggy that won’t turn corners praying, “Dear Lord, protect me!” I take caution to extreme measures, always watching my back for that lurking figure in old horror movies just around the corner. The thing is, I’m not just a cautious, Negative Nellie, I’m fearful. This fear snatches away any peace that starts to rest in me and reminds me that people are fickle and forgetful and cannot be trusted. It’s a paralyzing fear that floods my soul with uncertainty and hesitancy that looks for the worst in every situation. It’s a fear that limits my ability to love like Christ. I’m not alone in this state of insecurity though. Even David, “a man after God’s own heart”, trembled at times. Psalm 23 gives us a glimpse of this:

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths for His name sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil,

for you are with me; your rod and staff they comfort me.

You prepare a table before my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

 and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

David’s life wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. He trudged through some pretty crappy situations and met many a crossroad. Yet he starts this Psalm with the bold statement; I lack nothing. David is saying that no human addition or subtraction makes him incomplete or whole, but rather that His fullness comes from the Lord. David is saying, I lack nothing, because He is my everything.

      I like order and clean lines and the thing is, life and relationships are incredibly messy. No matter how many times I try to control my surroundings or the people around me, I can’t. People mess up and make mistakes hourly, but I can’t just write them off to protect my feelings. Rejection is inevitable, but in the Lord’s eyes I am not forgettable. Despite my performance, I am loved so deeply by the Father. Every day is just another chapter in the love story He has so intimately created between He and I.  Just because I know this doesn’t mean that I will trust like He has called me to do. Living from a place of fullness in God is an everyday sort of thing. It’s waking up and pushing down that Negative Nellie with a burst of Jesus’ reminder,

“The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” –Psalm 27:1

“Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” –Psalm 23:6

We are so very loved!! Living from a full heart is knowing that yesterday, today, and forever though life may change, He NEVER changes! That is how we trust. We love others so boldly and passionately that it hurts and that hurt develops into humility and that humility drives us to bow broken and bloody with the weight of our fears before the cross and say, “Father I can’t do this alone.” It’s a daily surrender, an offering of a wounded soul to one who has felt the same pain we experience. That five-letter word that makes me die a little inside every time I think about it is actually a life source, a peace giver, a joy maker, and my ticket to spreading the gospel like the one who created me. I gottta give you a chance, trust. One day at a time..

--Heather Grace